


To Parry Your Feelings

by ineedagoodusername



Category: Fence (Comics)
Genre: Confessions, Conversations, Feelings, M/M, Mutual Pining, Roommates, Seiji Katayama Is Bad At Feelings, past Jesse Coste/Seiji Katayama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:26:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25156204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ineedagoodusername/pseuds/ineedagoodusername
Summary: When faced with unrequited feelings, many boys his age chose to use or bury them.Seiji Katayama chose to parry them away
Relationships: Nicholas Cox/Seiji Katayama
Comments: 14
Kudos: 96





	To Parry Your Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> Life hit me so hard, I feel like I don't quite remember how to write anymore. So here's a piece of Nicholas and Seiji talking about Seiji's past relationship with Jesse, and how it got him all once bitten, twice shy, when it comes to romance.
> 
> I wrote this piece because I'm finding myself latching onto deep conversations that mean everything and nothing all at once, and I'd like to think that Seiji and Nicholas' relationship is getting to that level, whether or not they're romantically interested in each other (which they are).

When faced with complicated feelings, many boys his age chose to use or bury them. Seiji Katayama chose to parry them away.

He couldn’t help it, being defensive towards emotional displays. Whether those feelings came from other people or himself. Seiji knew that they always came with hidden intentions, and those hidden intentions got in the way of his goal of becoming the number one fencer. Having learned the hard way, the teenager wielded a blade in his heart, just as sharp as his epee.

So, when Nicholas Cox leaned in for a kiss, Seiji did what he was most familiar with: he parried.

It wasn’t that Seiji was caught off guard by the almost-kiss. Feelings between the two began growing since Nicholas chose to open up that one night, before the results of the tryouts. He was just so painfully  _ honest _ , even when he was dumb about his own feelings, sometimes.

Seiji found him endearing. While his offense technique was still atrocious, the fencing prodigy gave Nicholas credit for trying to actually work on it.

Although he wanted so badly to deny it, to assume they were just building a strong friendship, there was something he desired out of the other boy that went far beyond just fencing in the same team.

In order to defend himself, the black-haired teen reached out his right arm to block Nicholas, pressing his palm into the other’s chest, from closing in the shortening distance between them. Almost instantly, he also turned his head to the side and shut his eyes tight.

Seiji expected syrupy-sweet words to ooze from the other boy’s mouth, urging him that he was being silly and too uptight. Also, he expected strong arms to grasp at his own, tugging him closer for kisses he wasn’t 100% sure he wanted. Heart hammering like crazy, he braced his arms in anticipation of push back- a remise- from the brunet. 

Quite frankly, he expected Nicholas to act like Jesse Coste did, months ago.

“Seiji?” asked the brown-haired boy softly.

Much to the black-haired boy’s surprise, Nicholas did not touch him.

Though he was still very close, warm breath ghosting on Seiji’s pale face, the normally boisterous teenager stared at him, chocolate brown eyes etched in worry. His face was always so expressive. Wearing fencing masks really did serve an advantage to Seiji, or he’d be too distracted by Nicholas’ emotions on the piste.

“Seiji?” repeated Nicholas. “Are you alright?”

Frowning, the black-haired boy bit his lip.

“I …don’t want this.”

Looking away, he stiffly flapped his hands at Nicholas, gesturing to the other boy leaning over him, on his bed at his side of the room. It was so unbelievably intimate, his back, pressed against the cold, dorm room wall, legs spread slightly, to make room for this boy. He felt heat rising on his face, from the embarrassment of it all.

The guiltier truth was that Seiji really wanted Nicholas to kiss him. Maybe he’d also kiss him back. 

But that would be allowing an attack on his heart, and like hell he would allow another cocky fencer to do that. Play with his feelings, and then call him too serious.

_ Absolutely not _ , thought Seiji.

He turned his face back, trying to breathe normally. Sure he could look at his friend and crush. Sure. Su- no. Nope. Nicholas still looked as handsome as ever, even with his eyebrows connected and his lips pursed in thought.

_ Cute _ , thought the black-haired teenager. As per usual, he cursed himself for finding his messy, sometimes obnoxious but very good-hearted roommate cute.

With no defenses to hide the flush on his cheeks, Seiji wished he could don the thick white fencing uniform right now. At least the uniform had the luxury of black mesh to hide his face, so it would be easier to tell him no, and leave stupid feelings at the door.

“Okay,” said the brunet softly. “I’m sorry.”

Nicholas promptly moved his face away from Seiji’s, and hopped off the bed. Barely remembering how to breathe, Seiji just stared at the retreating boy in front of him.

Did he just apologise?

“Nicholas?” He croaked out.

Running a hand through the undercut portion of his head, Nicholas laughed awkwardly. “Hey, don’t look so shocked! If you don’t want to kiss, then we don’t kiss.”

“...it’s not like I don’t want to kiss you.”

“Huh?” asked Nicholas, clearly puzzled. It was cute how his nose crinkled just slightly when he was confused. Seiji could almost imagine gigantic question marks forming above the other boy’s head. “Then why…?”

Exhaling deeply through his nose, Seiji muttered, “It’s complicated.”

“Yeah, okay.” 

Once again, Nicholas was smiling at him. 

The dark-haired boy wondered how he always found it so easy to express his feelings. Like it wasn’t hard at all. For Seiji, emotions were impossible to navigate, and almost always got in the way of his fencing. 

It was no wonder why he was a mess when he used to be... involved with Jesse. He used to think they were actually something. Something serious. Seiji would never make that mistake again.

“Want to go hang out with the other guys?” asked Nicholas, suddenly.

In amazement, Seiji could only stare at the other teenager. First, he wanted to kiss Seiji and almost did. Then, he agreed to not kiss him, when Seiji asked, instead of pushing him for one. Now, he just wanted to hang out with their friends, like they weren’t about to kiss a few minutes ago.

He was just so… different from Jesse.

“Hang out.” Seiji could only echo. “Huh.” 

Giving a goofy smile, Nicholas shrugged his shoulders. “Hey, even if we couldn’t be boyfriends like I wanted, it doesn’t stop us from being friends, right? Besides, apparently Bobby wants to have a karaoke night, so if you wanted, we...”

_ ‘Boyfriends like I wanted’ _ .  _ Friends _ . Despite the brunet talking more, Seiji couldn’t hear the rest of what Nicholas was going on about.

“You’re serious about me, Nicholas?” He all but interrupted Nicholas’ lively monologue about how Dante could rap Kendrick Lamar better than anyone else could. 

“Wait, what?”

“You’re,” Seiji took a deep breath. “Actually serious about me. Like you didn’t just want to make out for a single night.”

Face flushing deeply, Nicholas looked at Seiji in the eye.

The brunet’s nose looked so pink, it was like he was turning into a human Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. Seiji found it rather distracting.

“Well, yeah.” said the brunet, nervously. “I thought we were… y’know, something? Or at least getting there. We hung out a lot.”

It was true. They had spent the last few weeks training together. Even before the thrill of crushing the regionals, Seiji had been spending a lot of time with Nicholas after hours, to correct his technique, and to practice on the piste. 

Gradually, the training turned into hours-long studying sessions at the library, especially once Seiji was forced to tolerate the huge crowd that Nicholas loved to bring along with them sometimes. 

And then after that, they simply hung out. Talked and fenced together, and stuff, as Nicholas had once said.

They had a lot of fun. Seiji definitely had a lot of fun. Even if he did get irritated about how Nicholas’ shoulders were still too tense and his wrist was always open for the kill. It was nice to get to talk to someone who didn’t get mad that often at the facts he pointed out, or treat him as some sort of living fencing god, second only to Jesse.

“You hang out with Bobby a lot.” pointed out Seiji. “Did you want to kiss him, too?”

“What? No, no!” Nicholas blanched. “We’re just friends. Everyone knows he’s head over heels with Dante, anyways.”

A silence stretched out between them. Usually, Seiji enjoyed peace and quiet, but having Nicholas quietly sitting beside him on his bed? Definitely nerve wracking.

Looking nervously at Seiji, the brunet admitted, “I really like you, Seiji. I know we used to fight and all. Don’t get me wrong, I still aim to be your number one rival and beat you on the piste. But… you’re really passionate and focused on fencing, and you looked so nice today, I guessed I got carried away. Sorry, man.”

Nicholas smiled, albeit sadly, at him.

To Seiji, the brunet was always so honest when it came to how he was feeling. The other boy was never afraid of wearing his heart on his sleeve, whether in celebration or in upsetness. Now, he was simply confessing his feelings, like a bold, aggressive attack on epee, instead of a feint. All the more it made Seiji want to parry the other boy’s feelings.

“You don’t have to be sorry about it.” 

“I think I do, though. I should have asked you first.”

Asked. Jesse would have never asked to kiss him. They had just went for it, and more, with Seiji being the poor idiot who thought their relationship was ever more than just making out after practice or during lazy weekends. Or if he did, it wouldn’t be a real question that he could say no to, not without an argument. 

Before the black-haired teenager could stop himself, Seiji found himself uttering, “You’re not like…” 

Then, he stopped. He wondered if he really should be sharing his past, out in the open. Definitely, Nicholas wouldn’t be the type to make him feel terrible about it, but then it was so  _ awkward _ . 

“Not like…?” prompted the brunet.

“Like Jesse.”

“Seriously, you need to stop comparing me to- oh.” Realisation dawned upon Nicholas’ face. “No way. Really? You and Jesse?”

“Yeah.”

Huffing heavily, Seiji slumped against the wall and wrapped his arms around his knees. He and Jesse. The very mention of it made him want to run away, or better yet, run to the gym and do target practice, pretending the dummy was the boy who toyed with his feelings.

“Was that what you meant when you mentioned you two were something?” asked the brown-haired boy, moving closer toward Seiji. “Is that why you were so upset when he came here and when-”

  
  


“Nicholas, can you please shut  _ up _ .”

Face scrunching up from distress, Seiji tried to focus on his breath going in and out of his body. In. Out. He felt so tense that he could barely get that air to circulate through his lungs. It’s been a while since he felt so upset.

Leave it to Jesse Coste to leave him trembling and unable to think straight.

He felt the firm mattress dip, springboards creaking ever so slightly from the weight of his roommate sitting beside him. Even though the brunet didn’t touch him, he radiated a warmth that soothes Seiji a little.

“I’m sorry, Seiji.” whispered Nicholas, voice creeping like ghosts along the dark-haired boy’s shoulder: Brown eyes earnest in their concern, he looked up at Seiji. “Your relationship with him must be so important to you.”

“Not… not anymore. I was wrong. As I said, I had the wrong idea.”

“Wrong idea.” echoed the brunet, leaning ever so slowly closer to Seiji. He made no move to push him away. “Wrong idea about what exactly?”

“I…”

He wondered what to say to this boy sitting beside him, who he also liked.

“Seiji?” He looked up to see Nicholas staring at him, lips curving into a gentle, encouraging smile. “You know I wouldn’t hold it against you, right?”

“Right,” sighed Seiji, making a fist. “I liked him. A lot. We knew each other as kids.”

Every word made the dark/haired boy feel incredibly vulnerable. He remembered all those torturous days training as a child, and the way that Jesse would always smile at him, reaching out a small, chubby hand to shake hands. The shiny blonde hair, bright blue eyes… Seiji knew in his six-year old heart that he had a crush on the boy. 

“Whoa,” whistled Nicholas, leaning his back against the wall. “Was he always so cocky?”

“No. he used to be... nice. We became really good friends.”

Jesse used to talk to Seiji all the time during breaks and after practice. He remembered Coach Dmytro scowled in disapproval, but then always said “five minutes” gruffly, when Seiji wanted to talk his friend about some nonsense kid thing. After all, he used to be so painfully shy, he figured Coach would rather he talk to his future rival than no one at all.

Noticing an oddly serious expression on Nicholas' face, Seiji narrowed his eyes at his roommate. “Did it surprise you that he used to be nice?”

“Oh- huh? What- ah, no, it’s not that.” stuttered the other boy, turning his head away for a moment. “It’s just… I don’t know why I’m so surprised. You and Jesse were brought up as elite fencers. Of course, you’d know each other.”

“Elite fencers.”

“Not everyone had the money you two had,” said Nicholas, running a hand through the shaved part of his head. “But that’s beside the point. Clearly something went sour between you two. Who liked who first?”

A few years ago, Seiji would have said Jesse. But he knew better now.

“I did.” He admitted, grasping the pale blue covers of the dormitory bed. “I liked him for a long time, and for a long time I also thought he was serious about me too.”

“Damn… is that why…” said Nicholas slowly. Carefully. “You mentioned once that people called you too serious. Jesse called you too serious.”

Stupid, smart Nicholas. Dense as a rock, and could hit the nail on the head like one too.

“Yeah.” Seiji sighed heavily, pulling his knees ever closer. “He didn’t really want a romantic relationship at all, but he was good at making it look like he only wanted you. Sort of like Aiden, but he didn’t really kiss other boys. Not that I know of.”

Briefly, the dark-haired boy wondered if Jesse had been kissing other boys behind his back. Years ago, it would have broken his heart just thinking about it, but he moved on. It just pissed him off now, and made him want to train until he bled all over the piste. Or stab the blonde boy with his blade- anything goes.

“I was young and dumb to think about love, anyways. His only serious goal was to be the world's best fencer.” continued the boy, fingers tracing random shapes onto the blue, slightly rough sheets. “It’s mine, too, so I’ll just focus on that.”

He spared the details- the heated kisses, heavy touches that came close to uncomfortable. The angry, shocked tears that followed when the blonde boy had confessed that they were only “fooling around”. That Seiji was too serious about everything for him 

Besides, Nicholas didn’t need to know that.

“Jesse Coste is a dick.” declared Nicholas suddenly.

Seiji couldn’t even say anything. He just whipped his head around to ogle at the brunet in absolute disbelief.

“What? It’s true. Look what he did to you.” pointed out the brown-haired boy. “I might not know everything but I know enough to know he acted like a dick. Boys shouldn’t be playing with other boys’ emotions like, I don’t know, Hot Wheels or something.”

“Doesn’t stop Aiden from making personal victims out of the majority of Kings Row.”

“It’s been long established Aiden is a playboy. And he ditches practice. That makes him also a dick.” 

From the animated waving of his limbs, his arm accidentally brushed against Seiji’s. The brunet was so damn toasty. For a moment, Seiji wondered if the boy just moved so fast all the time that his body produced extra heat from the kinetic energy.

Seiji scoffed. “Whatever happened to the ‘team spirit’ you and Tanner always breathed down my neck for?”

“Oh, I say he’s a dick as a friend and teammate. He’s cool, but also not cool.”

“Well, that makes two of us. Me and Aiden.”

“You  _ used _ to be a dick. Now you’re cool.”

“Are you sure about that?” asked the black-haired teen, raising an eyebrow at his roommate. “I wouldn’t put it past you to be biased.”

“Biased?” grinned Nicholas teasingly. 

Then his cheeks turned a bright hue of pink when he put two and two together. Seiji just rolled his eyes in response. Typical Nicholas. He was so sharp about so many things, and so quick to grasp concepts with a blade, but then he had these moments.

Inhaling ever so quietly, Seiji turned to face his crush and friend. 

“I…” He trailed off, trying to find the words to the emotions he kept, locked tight in a cast-iron box. Black eyes met deep brown ones. “I do like you, Nicholas.”

Ever so slightly, he felt the mattress shift. It was such a miniscule motion, the act of Nicholas turning to face him fully. His face was so open, so earnest, Seiji almost couldn’t stand it. 

How did he do it? How did he just pull out emotions so aggressively like that, as smooth as an attack and then a remise on the piste? Speaking about feelings was as foreign to Seiji as making friends.

“But then Jesse, right?” said Nicholas.

Unable to hide his flinch, Seiji glared at the strap of the black tank top that Nicholas was wearing. “Yes.”

The brunet’s smile looked so complicated to Seiji. He couldn’t fathom what the other boy must have been feeling.

“Don’t get me wrong,” said the black-haired boy firmly. Listing his goals was easy, like listing the strategies in his head during practice or counting points. “I’m not attracted to Jesse by any means. Not anymore.”

“But…?”

He sighed. “I think I need time.”

Quiet stretched out between them. Choosing to think, Seiji thought that it made more sense to be upfront with Nicholas. They were becoming closer, and he knew personally the harm that came from sending mixed signals. Not to mention, Nicholas was stubborn as hell, diving headfirst into chasing down what he wanted. It just so happened that pursuing Seiji had been added to the boy’s list.

Anyhow, it would have been distracting to keep letting the mutual…  _ tension _ keep growing between them during practice. Kind of impossible to focus 100% on the strip when his mind would wander back to the familiarity of that boy’s lunge.

“Time. Hm.” said Nicholas, shutting his eyes in brief contemplation. Then, his deep brown eyes snapped open and he was laughing. “I can wait!”

Black eyes just stared at the optimistic boy in confusion.

“I’m saying if I like you-,” Seiji felt his own cheeks flush from the blunt confession, simply put. “- and you like me, but need time, then I don’t mind waiting. Besides, Coach Williams would be pissed as hell if we were late from one practice to the next.”

“And why the hell would we be late?” asked Seiji, feigning annoyance. 

_ Nicholas Cox likes you back.  _ The words kept bouncing around the walls of his head, maybe the force of those thoughts shook up his brain- that had to explain the dizziness.

The brown-haired teen grinned naughtily back at him. “Hey, kissing takes practice too. You could use a few drills.”

“Wha- oh, Nicholas!” yelled Seiji, feeling heat rise to his face and neck. “Why are you so vulgar?”

“Vulgar? I haven’t even started yet.” teased the brunet, winking. “Unless you want me to?”

“I’d prefer if you stuck to arm extension drills. Maybe you could hit a target accurately for once.”

“Ack! Why would you kill the moment like that?”

Eventually the exchanges turned into senseless giggling all over Seiji’s bed. His crush and friend’s lips were curved into a genuine smile, and Seiji knew it would have been a perfect chance to kiss him. 

However, the thought of leaving an opening to his heart still sent an icy wave all over his spine. Not yet. Maybe he still parried whatever feelings got thrown his way, it was still so difficult for him to not envision Jesse when he thought about liking this headstrong, loveable idiot near him. But then, he had a feeling that, when the time came, he would let Nicholas through.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm considering writing sequel wherein Nicholas swoops in for that reprise and finally gets to kiss Seiji.
> 
> Please leave a kudos/comment if you like! :)


End file.
